Wow this movie was terrible.

That’s honestly all I want to write about this film, but I know I should give you a bit more in case you don’t trust me. But you really should just get over yourself and trust me because this movie was so bad I almost didn’t finish it (*gasp*). And I almost didn’t finish it because I legit DID NOT CARE how it ended. Quite frankly if there was a random “Jaws” ending and everyone straight up got eaten by a shark, I could not have cared less. Actually, that ending would have made this movie significantly better because then there’d be some kind of interesting plot – even if it was just “and then the shark eats all the teenagers”. I am thoroughly upset that I wasted 1 hour and 37 minutes of my life watching this emotional-teenage-angst-garbage movie and I’d like to spare you all from such sorrow.

Here’s the list of reasons why this movie was a waste of my life and I deserve a refund of some kind:

1) The narration was horrendous – Goldie Hawn seems nice, but her narrating skills are nonexistent. Morgan Freeman or bust.

2) The 2 girls in this film are straight up dumb. Nothing they did is remotely real or cool or “sexy”. Please go away.

3) Why would you ever cast 3 boys and 2 girls in a teenage film? Are you trying to confuse everyone? Including the actors? They honestly didn’t know who they were supposed to like. It’s very clear in their non-descriptive, very awkward acting. Everyone is sending everyone weird sexual vibes and it basically became a poor man’s version of Gossip Girl when it got bad (post season 2).

4) Noah Centineo (the whole reason I watched this ridiculous movie) had about 4 lines, was a bad graphic designer and a bad surfer. It was bad. All of it. It was all so bad.

5) Keanu Reeves would for sure never ask a local teenager to watch his Malibu beach house. Major plot hole within the first 3 minutes of the film. Nice job, Netflix.

6) Molly Ringwald was for sure doing yoga when she said she was doing Pilates. (This didn’t have any effect on the film itself, but it just bothered me).

7) The country singer/runaway is a JOKE. He had a guitar, a tent, and an alto saxophone but no money, no car and no food? Who are you? How did you get from Nashville to Malibu? You make no sense and should not be famous or in this movie.

8) The guacamole Camilla made looked really good. (That’s the one positive thing I have for this movie but I didn’t want to start a whole list just to write that one thing so I’m just throwing it at the bottom of this list)

Popcorn Rating: 1 popped corn for the guacamole

Seriously do not watch this movie. It’s worse than every cringy scene in the Twilight Series combined with the second-hand-embarrassment feeling you get when someone really tries in karaoke.

Truthfully Yours

PFP

PSA – Noah Centineo is currently featured in 3 Netflix movies: “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before”, “Sierra Burgess is a Loser”, and “SPF18”. Two down. One to go. Stay Tuned.

Below are my thoughts on “Sierra Burgess is a Loser”. I have categorized them into 2 lists: 1) Why this movie is ridiculous 2) Why this movie is amazing. Also can I just add that movie titles need to CHILL with their sentence-long titles. Even though I loved TATBILB, it is a pain to talk about it because it’s such a mouthful. I am shortening this one to SBIAL and Netflix needs to take a good look at their targeted demographic. In case they haven’t noticed, the Millennials and Gen Zs are basically only known for their laziness and desire to do as little work as possible, so titling these new movies with scientific-paper-abstract-long titles is basically the biggest turn off. But I am only speaking on behalf a few million people, so do what you will with that.

Why SBIAL is ridiculous:

1) This movie basically has a 1950’s love plot with a “Mean Girls” script and a “Ten Things I Hate About You” school dynamic. It has got to be one of the most outrageous teenage plots I’ve seen in a WHILE and mind you I very recently watched all the HSMs, Camp Rocks, Cinderella Stories, and Molly Ringwald classics.

2) Let me expand a bit on the 1950’s love plot – first off, teenage guys, especially good-looking jocks like Mr. Noah over here, DO NOT EVER EVER randomly approach a table of 3 beautiful girls and say “hi” hoping for a number. That’s not real. It will never be real, and quite frankly for this to be the start of the love story was just plain cruel. His self-confidence in that diner was so ridiculously inflated that when he couldn’t take a shirtless selfie later in the film {Spoiler Alert} I legit rolled my eyes.

3) The ending to this movie {Another Spoiler} is on par with the ending from “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I would like to give you a direct comparison to the ending dialogues:
HJNTIY:

GIGI Look, I’ve just been out with your friend Bill. And it just might be exactly what I need. No drama. He calls. He does what he says.

ALEX I could do that stuff too.

GIGI But you didn’t. And that same wise person told me that I am the rule. That I have to stop thinking that every guy will change – stop thinking that I will be the exception. (Alex looks at her)

ALEX You are my exception. ( They KISS)

SBIAL:

Jamey: I get why you did it, I do, and… honestly, had we not met the way that we had, maybe I wouldn’t have noticed you. I mean, you’re not exactly everybody’s type – and…

Sierra: Okay. Thanks.

Jamey: But…you’re my type. You are exactly my type.
(THEY KISS)

Case in point: They have the same ending. And both of these endings are ridiculous.

4) I am seriously so confused as to why the “loser” stereotype has to go hand in hand with curly hair, marching band, and super good at reading. IS THIS REAL LIFE?! First off, I wouldn’t say that there were any “losers” at my school because to be a “loser” I feel like you need to actually have lost at life a little – and until you’ve been fired a handful of times you haven’t really had an opportunity to “lose” anything. Also, if you were to prematurely categorize high schoolers into a “loser” category would you really go for the intellectual musician with a unique personality? No you would not and that is why this movie is ridiculous.

Why SBIAL is amazing:

1) This is probably the first movie where the “Mean Girl” is likeable for more than half of the movie! I honestly did not think that Veronica (the villainous character) was going to be the girl I cheered for in the end, but when she showed up at Noah’s door in her Prom dress I was legit hoping they would be the new thing. But alas, the movie had to end “Pretty in Pink” style and the jock went for the personality over the looks. Props to Jamey but also sending an air hug to Veronica.

2) Sierra’s best friend surpasses all other best friends. He’s the bomb and every teen movie needs to up their game to this new best friend level!

3) The amount of cringe worthy scenes in this movie was almost criminal, but Sierra’s character was actually so awesome and withstood all of the criticism in a super classy way that I was surprisingly not dying from second hand embarrassment.

4) The realness to this movie was SO good. As a high school teacher, I can attest that the level of drama, catfishing, and selfies that were taken are spot on accurate to what high school is like nowadays. Netflix – I appreciate you.

Popcorn Rating: 3 popped corns and 2 big kernels for Jamey’s high standards

Even though this movie really gives great insight into high school life today, there are so many hard scenes to watch. I also think catfishing is one of the worst things you can do to someone’s heart….so because if that, it only gets 3 kernels, but Jamey is fantastic boyf material and I’m hoping all the guys watch this and get inspired.

Truthfully Yours

PFP

If this movie doesn’t make you want to start a non-profit and adopt a child from Africa then you need to take a good look at your life and change who you are.

Was this movie incredibly hard to watch? yes. Was Angelina’s character pretty unrealistic? also yes. But will this movie make you cry, fall in love with Clive Owen, and join a cause to end world hunger? OH FOR SURE.

I had legit never heard of this movie or even knew that it came out 15 years ago until Netflix recommended it to me. So naturally I googled it and under “Clive Owen films” it popped up as #6 so I figured “top 10 – must be good”. After watching the film, I started searching my Netflix history to try and understand WHY THEY THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE RIGHT UP MY ALLEY. I don’t know how this happened, but I’m planning to look into it.

Now even though I don’t think “Beyond Borders” is a natural recommendation after watching “Kissing Booth” and all the Camp Rocks this summer, I actually really liked this movie. It was super hard to watch for about 95% of the film (not sure if I really need to admit that seeing a film about poverty in the world would be hard to watch), but if you can be strong enough to sit through this – you will sob multiple times and also get your heart broken at the end, but you will hopefully feel motivated to do good in the world. (Please don’t get mad at that spoiler because this movie came out 15 years ago and quite frankly doing a [spoiler alert] for a 2003 film just seems extra).

Here’s what makes this movie great in a film-watching sense, not in a the-context-of-this-film-is-uplifting way:

1. This is for sure Clive Owen’s PRIME. In his early 30’s he still looks like a child, but his late 30’s to early 40’s (“King Arthur”, “Elizabeth: The Golden Age”, etc) were exquisite.
2. Even though Angelina’s character was pretty ridiculous in every way (her clothing choices, haircut, husband of choice, and house), her raw and irrational passion for Clive Owen’s non-profit organization was actually quite inspiring. Do we all wish we had heaps of British pounds we could send to Ethiopia without thinking twice? well, yes, of course. So thank you, Angelina, for living out one of our fantasies, even if it’s just in a movie.
3. I love Clive Owen’s character in this film – he is so unfiltered that he constantly flirts between being refreshingly truthful and just straight up abrasive. But I repeat, he’s in his prime, so you love it.
4. If you have not been grateful ever in your life, you need to see this film and GAIN SOME CHARACTER! That’s my lecture. Now go call your mom and tell her you love her.
5. This movie also confirmed the fact that I will not be traveling to Russia ever. Why is the world such a scary place? Even trying to do good things in the world is so hard. Is that not the MOST frustrating feeling? Sacrificing everything just to be met with opposition and obstacles. Snaps for everyone in this world who is like Nick Callahan (Clive’s character).
6. The romance in this film is like the beginning “Love Story” combined with the middle part of “Pride and Prejudice” and the end of “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”. Basically it’s miserable to watch but you Must. Watch.

Popcorn Rating: 3 popped corns for the film, 5 popped corns for the message

Was this the best film I’ve seen lately? no. Is this movie an even more depressing version of “A Walk to Remember”? yup. Will this make you want to be a better person? HOPEFULLY. So please grab some tissues, get in your jammies, grab a blanket for comfort, watch this film, and change the world.

Sincerely,

PFP

This is one of those extremely rare occasions where I actually understand why this movie was nominated for so many awards, but in the same breath, I will not be watching this movie ever again. Let me unpack this movie for those of you that maybe don’t want to relive your disrespectful and rebellious high school life.

In this movie, Saoirse Ronan, plays a senior in high school who is trying to be independent whilst crushing on boys, fighting with her mom, and trying to make new friends while also attempting to have a “solid high school experience” aka smoking and parties and sex.

My biggest pet peeve with this film is the fact that Saoirse’s character is actually quite lovable and quirky and sweet, but she does and says the dumbest things to make you hate her. I would like to mention that being 10+ years out of high school might have effected how I watched this film and that MAYBE I found her attitude a bit more vexing than if I had watched this as a 17 year old. However, I was equally frustrated with the mother and her attitude that quite frankly I think my age range is actually doing me a disservice! I can’t relate to the high schooler because I see her being an idiot but the mom is also giving me anxiety because she’s ridiculously overbearing and irrational. It’s a lose lose for anyone 25-35 years old watching this film.

My analogy: Watching this film after high school and before parenthood is like needing to get your car serviced – if you go somewhere cheap you’ll doubt the quality of service, but if you bring it to the manufacturer, you know you’re getting ripped off. Basically, you can’t enjoy getting your car fixed because whichever side you pick, you lose! You can’t be #teamsaoirse or #teammom because they will both annoy the crap out of you.

Finally, I’d like to provide you a list of why I liked this movie (I know, it’s rare to get a positive list so enjoy it while it lasts):

1) The high school boys were basically as accurate as they can get – great job on the casting.

2) Teenage girls and moms really have the most up and down emotional rollercoaster in the world. But I truly believe that as long as you don’t stop talking to each other, all can be fixed.

3) Dads of teenage girls deserve a reward. Like a giant financial reward every year between ages 13-19.

4) Changing your name in high school is becoming popular – I’m not necessarily encouraging it, but it’s a real thing kids do so I’m glad a movie exposed that fad

5) Saoirse Ronan has an incredibly thick Irish accent IRL and I was super impressed with her pseudo- American accent. Kudos, Saoirse!

Popcorn Rating: 4 popped corns (with a burnt kernel for the frustration)

I’m gonna be real with you – this movie is tough to watch. It’s literally 2 hours of pure teenage angst and parental frustration and it doesn’t necessarily have any high or upbeat points. However, if you are a teen and/or a mom and think that you’re alone in feeling misunderstood or crazy frustrated with your kid – this movie will make you feel better. Like watching “Survivor” when you’re on a diet.

Sincerely,

PFP

First off – this title is fantastic. If you don’t know already, this movie is based off of a book series, so kudos to Jenny Han for picking this amazing title. It’s just such a classy way of saying “dear ex-lovers”, and I don’t know about you, but there’s something about being classy and also dishing about your past that provides such a great naughty and nice balance to the world.

Even though I loved this movie in all its high school rom-com John Hughes-esque glory, I do have some issues:

1) The three sisters could, in no way, be related unless you assume every family in America adopts (which I would be ALL for, btw). The main girl, Laura-Jean, is for sure 100% Vietnamese, her older sister is Pacific Islander, and the younger sister actually looks half Asian and half white but at this point you’re almost hoping for a Latina girl just to keep the ridiculous non-realistic trend going. IF JOHN CORBETT IS YOUR FATHER YOU WILL NOT BE 100% VIETNAMESE OR PACIFIC ISLANDER. Unless maybe John Corbett was adopted??

2) Was it really necessary to throw in the bad Asian female driving bit?? I mean, maybe it’s all true, but still. People need to CALM DOWN with the (accurate) stereotypes.

3) The jacuzzi scene was probably the most satisfying PG-13 scene in this movie, but my COLOSSAL issue with it was the fact that she slept in the very same nightgown she went into the jacuzzi with about 5 minutes after getting out!! Oh yea, and the gown was BONE – DRY. Netflix. Come. On. This is such an easy plot hole to fix – simply film her going to bed in literally ANY other piece of clothing other than THAT ONE NIGHTGOWN. That scene lost all its credibility.

4) Scrunchies are dumb, use a hair tie.

5) I know from personal experience that walking across a lacrosse field is gonna get you hurt. There are balls and rackets and dudes flyin’ all over the place – it is a war zone. Yet another scene that is not real life.

6) Spin the bottle needs to stop being a thing. It is literally ruining people’s lives. Case and point: this movie.

Popcorn Rating: 4 popped corns and 1 kernel for Peter

Aside from those 6 issues, I loved this movie. I watched it three times in 2 days and I’m not ashamed. I also became a major “Anna of the North” fan overnight (if you know, YOU KNOW). So grab your snacks, pop the corn, snuggle with a pillow and get watchin’!

Best

PFP

Yup, this movie came out 8 years ago. But you know what, 8 years ago I was too scared to watch thrillers because I had only grown up on British dramas and contemporary Rom-Coms, so the fact that I decided to watch this movie now makes me brave and I need you to acknowledge that.

After the first 10 minutes of “Shutter Island” I thought it was pretty obvious that Leo was either going to turn into one of the crazies or already was one of them. Obviously, I didn’t know how any of that was going to happen, but the setting of – remote island, one way in/out, Mark Ruffalo (can’t be trusted), and insane people – basically made it so that the audience knew Leo was gonna get WEIRD.

I must say that the ultimate twist at the end (aka the explanation of Leo’s character) was much more elaborate than I had expected. Definitely made this a solid Thriller – not at the same level as “Vertigo”, which is one of my ultimate faves- but it still makes you think and play back the whole movie after you’re done.

I only have a short list of frustrations, so enjoy:

1) The World War II flashbacks were pretty unnecessary and basically just confirmed that Leo was “violent”….but did we really need all 500 flashbacks? No. we didn’t.

2) Did Michelle Williams really have to be THAT creepy? She drowned all 3 of her kids. DROWNED. ALL HER KIDS. Can’t that be enough?? Did she really need to then say all those super uncomfortable things, “Let’s all eat dinner together…. They’ll be our live dolls…. Let’s bathe them.” Just remembering how creepy she was makes me shiver. Ok, Hollywood, we get it. You’re super edgy with your disturbing psychopathic script – can we stop now?!

3) Mark Ruffalo is a terrible liar. You could read him like a book. He should really just stick to being a romantic lead underdog like in “13 Going on 30” and “Just Like Heaven”.

4) I think “Shutter Island” is a terrible title. I guess this comment is aimed more at the author of the book, Dennis Lehane, than at Hollywood. Dear Dennis, ‘Shutter Island’ does not sound scary or creepy or disturbing. If you are going to write a very gross book, it needs to have a title that informs the reader “hey, this is gonna get uncomfortable”. A couple suggestions: “Shiver Island”, “Grave Island”, “Cemeteria”, “Morbidom”, and/or “Deathland”. All of these are better than “Shutter Island” and I just came up with them today. Dennis – call me. I can help you.

Popcorn Rating: 3 popped corns and 1 kernel

Definitely a disturbing thriller. I might watch it one more time now that I know the whole plot twist, but quite honestly, imma fast forward all the Michelle Williams scenes. It’s too much.

Best

PFP

I must warn you – in this review I am petty.

I genuinely loved “Jurassic World”. I thought it was brilliant, Chris Pratt was a babe, and the two kids – though they were disobedient and a bit rude – were generally intelligent and had good instincts. (Side note: I can’t stand it when people survive in these types of movies without any intellect or instincts. When people survive out of pure luck I want to kick them in the teeth). I also loved the chemistry between Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard and I thought their character development was great. So when I watched the sequel to the sequel of Jurassic Park (that was a pretentious way of restating this film that I’m reviewing), I was super disappointed when the chemistry wasn’t there, the main kid was incredibly lucky and pretty dumb, and the characters weren’t really well developed. The couple positive aspects of the movie were the plot twist at the end and the final end result of the movie. Without going into too much detail, I want to complain about a handful of things.

Here goes:

1. [Spoiler Alert] The opening scene states that the “Jurassic World” catastrophe happened 3 years ago. There are two guys in a submarine-thing trying to find the Indominous Rex that had died at the end of “Jurassic World” by the crazy underwater dinosaur. One of the guys in the submarine is a bit scared about things still being alive in the water (like a normal human person would be), however his co-pilot says, and I paraphrase, “Dude, don’t worry, anything that’s been here for 3 years is definitely dead.” I’m sorry. WHAT!?! You think 3 years of ocean living is going to kill off a giant water dinosaur?! Have you read anything? Or watched any movies? Or watched the movie you are currently in a sequel to? Pretty sure dinosaurs live for MORE THAN 3 YEARS. I’m so glad he got eaten because he was honestly useless.
2. I’m very happy that Bryce Dallas Howard started some sort of “save the dinosaurs” non-profit, but can we just get some more details please? How did this get started? Why are there doctors and random IT people working for you? Is this a voluntary organization or do you pay them? If you pay them, how’d you get the money? I need more information. Telling me three years have passed, you’re single, and now you’re saving dinosaurs for a living is not a good enough life update. I NEED MORE.
3. Why was Bryce so adamant about not living in a camper? It was clearly temporary. Couldn’t we all just suck it up and live in an RV for a few months if 1) Chris Pratt was our betrothed and 2) he was building a giant house next to it?! I feel like Bryce just got a bit too high maintenance and forgot about the time when she ran in heels from dinosaurs after tying her shirt into a crop top and looked like Jane from Tarzan. Bryce, you need to chill.
4. There is NO WAY anyone, especially RV-hating Bryce, could stab a needle into a T-Rex and draw blood. I saw “The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug” and I know FOR A FACT that you need a black arrow made from the Dwarves who live under the mountain to pierce through a dragon’s scales. Dinosaurs are essentially non-flying dragons (like the ostrich of dragons) and the little veterinary needle that was used to penetrate the T-Rex for his blood would 100% not work in real life. Of course, when I say “in real life” I mean in the world where dinosaurs still exist and you need their blood to save the Velociraptor who’s bleeding out. Also, in this world I can poke holes in their terrible solution to try and penetrate a T-Rex’s skin because I come from a world where dragons existed and I know about the need for black arrows. It’s complicated, but my argument is strong. Trust me.
5. Final comment: The little girl thought that hiding in her bed, under the covers, would keep her out of harms way from a dinosaur programmed to kill everything. She somehow survived, and now that is my new plan for the Zombie Apocalypse.

Popcorn Rating: 3 popped corns and 1 kernel

Overall, the movie is entertaining, has an intricate plot, and has a very interesting end result. However, the devil is in the details! I found some flaws and just felt like exposing them. Do with them as you will.

Truthfully Yours,

PFP

Have you ever been in the theaters and watched a preview for a movie and then said “wait, wasn’t that basically the whole movie?” And then you go watch the movie anyway and then you say “oh. That preview WAS the whole movie.” That is basically “Tag”.

Luckily, the preview was funny and based on a true story, so watching the whole movie wasn’t a total waste a money. I would just recommend to everyone that if you haven’t seen the preview, and you want to watch a comedy around the same level as “The Hangover”, just go in blind! If you don’t really want to see a 2 hour movie about 5 grown men playing tag, then watch the preview and you’ll be set.

Per tradition, here is a list of things to look forward to if you decide to watch the movie [contains predictable Spoiler Alerts]:

1) Isla Fisher was HANDS DOWN the best character in this film. I forget if she was featured in the preview, but either way, her performance is almost worth the entire $13 for a ticket.

2) Jon Hamm doesn’t get the girl for the first time ever and it’s super satisfying. “You’re no longer my number 3!” #namethatmovie

3) Jake Johnson is the most attractive adult male loser ever to be seen on television. If you don’t watch “New Girl”, you won’t know him or his loser-ish-ness. Also if you don’t watch “New Girl”, you’re a loser.

4) The last 10 minutes gives this movie about 2 inches of depth so get excited for that shoe to drop.

5) Wait until the end of the movie to see the “true story” men playing tag. It’s actually the cutest thing ever.

6) There’s about a thousand plot holes in this film, but if you just take it for what it is (5 men playing a child’s game in a major motion picture) you’ll have a decent amount of laughs and go home thinking about which 5 boys from your middle school are probably doing this right now.

Popcorn Rating: 3 popped corns

I definitely didn’t hate this movie, but it was also not a “rent immediately on Redbox when it comes out” movie either. If you want a good laugh along with one or two hard eye rolls, this movie is for you! Again, the preview will suffice for a lot of you, but if you’re an Isla Fisher fan, then the whole movie might be worth it.

Truthfully Yours

PFP

One of my ALL-TIME favorite things to do is watch a 1 star movie (according to IMDB or if you’re a Rotten Tomatoe-r, something below 50%) that features today’s A-List celebrities. What you are basically getting ready to watch is either a movie they made before they became A-Listers, which is usually freaking fantastic, or a movie they made when they first became A-Listers to help “expand their repertoire” but failed miserably, which also makes that movie freaking fantastic. A couple examples of this are: “Miss Julie” featuring Jessica Chastain, “Shallow Hal” featuring Gwyneth Paltrow, “Ghost Rider” featuring Nicolas Cage, oh and anything Daniel Radcliffe did after Harry Potter.

Now some of you might say “Hey! Jack Black was also featured in “Shallow Hal”, why is she only throwing shade at Gwyneth?” Well, because Gwyneth won ‘Best Actress in a Leading Role’ for her work in “Shakespeare in Love” in 1999 and then decided to co-star in this atrocious Rom-Com in 2001. Where as Jack Black has been nominated for his voice in “Kung Fu Panda”. We are dealing with two different levels here, can we please move on now?

Suffice to say, this film “Forces of Nature” is again, only going to feature a shaming of one A-List Celebrity. Yes, both Ben Affleck AND Sandra Bullock are featured in this Romantic-Drama-Comedy-Garbage-Movie, but Sandra actually looks REAL good and her character is hard not to love, where Ben over here comes off as a major creep, an unfaithful dirtbag, and an indecisive little child. Oh, I also just don’t like Ben Affleck, but that has absolutely nothing to do with this review. I can totally keep my personal feelings out of this – this is business. Not personal. After all, my movie reviews are super unbiased and based only on fact and film. So, back to this review. Here’s why Ben is the worst:

1. His name is Ben IN THIS MOVIE. Who does that? Is it because he’s so bad at acting at this point that he only responds to his own name? Calling him a different name would illicit no response? At least go with Benji or Benny! Did you really want to make it that obvious how bad you are at acting in this film?
2. Ben’s eyes in this movie were so incredibly creepy, he must have practiced! Actually, I am going to insist on the fact that he practiced, because if that stare comes NATURALLY he should not be allowed to continue in this industry.
3. His character was so bad at lying that I was actually embarrassed for him. Now maybe that was scripted, like the director said “ok Ben” (remember how he didn’t change his name for the film) “try to seem awkwardly hesitant and insecure about everything you say”. However, at certain points in the film the other characters BELIEVE him on some of his lies – and that to me is TRUE acting. How could Ben’s lies possibly be seen as truth?!? His delivery was terrible, his eyes (again!) were incredibly distrusting, AND when you are directly compared to Sandra Bullock who CAN act in this film – you are screwed. Ben, please re-assess your career path. Oh, you went into directing? That’s awesome. Wait, you direct films that feature you as the main lead…..I retract my previous sentence. The one that ended with awesome.
4. Ben’s inability to make any logical decision in this film was infuriating. He only made decisions when he was 100% emotionally invested. The second he had clarity or a moment to think or was left alone for a couple minutes, he went back to being super confused and indecisive. In fact, he was indecisive all the way up until the last scene [Spoiler Alert] when he saw his fiance in her wedding dress and picked her over Sandra Bullock. The entire time he was with Sandra he kept saying he was gonna choose her and live a Bohemian life style with her, but then he gets all emotional seeing his previous lover in a white dress and then at the last second decides to marry her! Ladies if this isn’t a red flag I don’t know what is. If he wanted to be with another woman 3 minutes before deciding to marry you, he ain’t gonna be yours for very long. Can I get an Amen?
5. Ben Affleck was a horrible Batman.

Popcorn Rating: 1 popped corn for Sandra ONLY

This may have been less of a review on “Forces of Nature” and more of a review on Ben Affleck, but whatever. I think you get the point that you should not see this movie unless of course you enjoy what I like to do which is watch horrible films and then rant about them online. It’s fun.

Bye Ben. Thanks for Playing.

PFP

I am here to fill you in on a tradition that happens every 20-30 years in Hollywood. A movie with the title of “A Star Is Born” came out in 1937 with the following plot:

“A famous male actor who also happens to be a violent alcoholic, falls in love with a talented but not-famous-yet female. Said actor helps make female love interest into a Star and she becomes more famous than him. After marrying and acting together, man realizes she is better off without him and kills himself.”

Wow! What an uplifting movie! Hopefully Hollywood makes another version of it later. Well, lucky for you, they did! However the second time, they decided to switch it up a bit. Instead of making the not-famous-yet girl just act, they made her a Musical Star! That way, she can act AND sing AND make more money for Hollywood by having an original soundtrack to go wit it. So who did they cast for this 1954 remake? Judy Garland! Of course! No one can get enough of Dorothy. Great job, Hollywood, you tugged at our heartstrings once more and Judy really made this sequel quite a doozy. But wait….there’s more!!

Since the first two movies didn’t show everything that the Hollywood life has to offer (alcohol AND drugs), they decided to make a third version of this film. Phew, I was starting to worry that alcoholism was the only issue they were going to feature- so glad they added cocaine! That’s definitely what was missing. And whom did they grab as the star for part III? None other than the incomparable Barbra Streisand!

Since they have to switch it up a bit again, they got rid of the acting part altogether and just had her sing. Perfect. Now the movie can be over 2 hours long because 1 hour and 40 minutes of it will be Barbra debuting her first solo album on film! Heck. Yea. (In case you thought my sarcastic tone went away at some point in these last 2 paragraphs, I’m here to tell you it hasn’t and I am seriously stunned that this movie has had a triplet).

But not to worry, America. If you thought Judy and Babs fell short on the talent, I am here to tell you that in this incredibly lucky year of 2018, we are to be graced with yet ANOTHER version of this “classic” film! Can you believe it?? I’m serious. Can you actually believe they are doing this AGAIN?! Is the road to stardom really that necessary to see on film 4 times?? FOUR TIMES!! Hollywood, nothing ever needs to be done 4. Times.

Now, let me just say for the record that these movies are not bad. Honestly, each individual one is really quite good. But after watching all 3, you start to question why it keeps being remade? The original one actually had superb acting, in my non-film-educated opinion, and the remake with Judy Garland was also brilliant because she CAN sing AND act. (Also, “The One That Got Away” is one of my favorite songs ever).

For Hollywood to then remake the remake with Barbra was pretty bold (because who wants to be compared to Judy), but she totally knocked it out of the park, so I guess Hollywood wins again. How obnoxious.

BUT WHY ON EARTH ARE WE DOING A FOURTH ONE HOLLYWOOD?!?! I don’t care how talented Lady Gaga is, you cannot do better than Streisand or Garland. Plus you know Bradley Cooper is the new Russell Crowe from Les Mis….cast for his report card but can’t sing for beans and when compared to legit singers just looks like a fool. Also, what is the message that Hollywood wants to send four times?

Potential Hollywood Messages:

1) Don’t be famous or you’ll kill yourself.

2) If you’re famous you will do all the drugs and all the alcohol.

3) If you marry someone famous, you will have a horrible marriage

4) Being an alcoholic justifies ruining the Grammys.

5) Women are more talented than men.

If the true message is #5, I just feel like there’s so many other ways to get that across! If it’s any of the first 4 then I’m not sure why there is now another remake in the works. And, of course, I am going to see it! Who wouldn’t? It’s like every time they cast a new James Bond, you have to see it, but if you grew up with Sean Connery or Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig doesn’t stand a chance to be anything other than garbage.

Popcorn Rating on the Trilogy: 4 popped corns

Best of luck Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga! I know it will be trash, but fingers crossed you change something big so you have a fighting chance to produce something tolerable!

Truthfully Yours

PFP