I must warn you – in this review I am petty.

I genuinely loved “Jurassic World”. I thought it was brilliant, Chris Pratt was a babe, and the two kids – though they were disobedient and a bit rude – were generally intelligent and had good instincts. (Side note: I can’t stand it when people survive in these types of movies without any intellect or instincts. When people survive out of pure luck I want to kick them in the teeth). I also loved the chemistry between Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard and I thought their character development was great. So when I watched the sequel to the sequel of Jurassic Park (that was a pretentious way of restating this film that I’m reviewing), I was super disappointed when the chemistry wasn’t there, the main kid was incredibly lucky and pretty dumb, and the characters weren’t really well developed. The couple positive aspects of the movie were the plot twist at the end and the final end result of the movie. Without going into too much detail, I want to complain about a handful of things.

Here goes:

1. [Spoiler Alert] The opening scene states that the “Jurassic World” catastrophe happened 3 years ago. There are two guys in a submarine-thing trying to find the Indominous Rex that had died at the end of “Jurassic World” by the crazy underwater dinosaur. One of the guys in the submarine is a bit scared about things still being alive in the water (like a normal human person would be), however his co-pilot says, and I paraphrase, “Dude, don’t worry, anything that’s been here for 3 years is definitely dead.” I’m sorry. WHAT!?! You think 3 years of ocean living is going to kill off a giant water dinosaur?! Have you read anything? Or watched any movies? Or watched the movie you are currently in a sequel to? Pretty sure dinosaurs live for MORE THAN 3 YEARS. I’m so glad he got eaten because he was honestly useless.
2. I’m very happy that Bryce Dallas Howard started some sort of “save the dinosaurs” non-profit, but can we just get some more details please? How did this get started? Why are there doctors and random IT people working for you? Is this a voluntary organization or do you pay them? If you pay them, how’d you get the money? I need more information. Telling me three years have passed, you’re single, and now you’re saving dinosaurs for a living is not a good enough life update. I NEED MORE.
3. Why was Bryce so adamant about not living in a camper? It was clearly temporary. Couldn’t we all just suck it up and live in an RV for a few months if 1) Chris Pratt was our betrothed and 2) he was building a giant house next to it?! I feel like Bryce just got a bit too high maintenance and forgot about the time when she ran in heels from dinosaurs after tying her shirt into a crop top and looked like Jane from Tarzan. Bryce, you need to chill.
4. There is NO WAY anyone, especially RV-hating Bryce, could stab a needle into a T-Rex and draw blood. I saw “The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug” and I know FOR A FACT that you need a black arrow made from the Dwarves who live under the mountain to pierce through a dragon’s scales. Dinosaurs are essentially non-flying dragons (like the ostrich of dragons) and the little veterinary needle that was used to penetrate the T-Rex for his blood would 100% not work in real life. Of course, when I say “in real life” I mean in the world where dinosaurs still exist and you need their blood to save the Velociraptor who’s bleeding out. Also, in this world I can poke holes in their terrible solution to try and penetrate a T-Rex’s skin because I come from a world where dragons existed and I know about the need for black arrows. It’s complicated, but my argument is strong. Trust me.
5. Final comment: The little girl thought that hiding in her bed, under the covers, would keep her out of harms way from a dinosaur programmed to kill everything. She somehow survived, and now that is my new plan for the Zombie Apocalypse.

Popcorn Rating: 3 popped corns and 1 kernel

Overall, the movie is entertaining, has an intricate plot, and has a very interesting end result. However, the devil is in the details! I found some flaws and just felt like exposing them. Do with them as you will.

Truthfully Yours,

PFP