Wow this movie was terrible.
That’s honestly all I want to write about this film, but I know I should give you a bit more in case you don’t trust me. But you really should just get over yourself and trust me because this movie was so bad I almost didn’t finish it (*gasp*). And I almost didn’t finish it because I legit DID NOT CARE how it ended. Quite frankly if there was a random “Jaws” ending and everyone straight up got eaten by a shark, I could not have cared less. Actually, that ending would have made this movie significantly better because then there’d be some kind of interesting plot – even if it was just “and then the shark eats all the teenagers”. I am thoroughly upset that I wasted 1 hour and 37 minutes of my life watching this emotional-teenage-angst-garbage movie and I’d like to spare you all from such sorrow.
Here’s the list of reasons why this movie was a waste of my life and I deserve a refund of some kind:
1) The narration was horrendous – Goldie Hawn seems nice, but her narrating skills are nonexistent. Morgan Freeman or bust.
2) The 2 girls in this film are straight up dumb. Nothing they did is remotely real or cool or “sexy”. Please go away.
3) Why would you ever cast 3 boys and 2 girls in a teenage film? Are you trying to confuse everyone? Including the actors? They honestly didn’t know who they were supposed to like. It’s very clear in their non-descriptive, very awkward acting. Everyone is sending everyone weird sexual vibes and it basically became a poor man’s version of Gossip Girl when it got bad (post season 2).
4) Noah Centineo (the whole reason I watched this ridiculous movie) had about 4 lines, was a bad graphic designer and a bad surfer. It was bad. All of it. It was all so bad.
5) Keanu Reeves would for sure never ask a local teenager to watch his Malibu beach house. Major plot hole within the first 3 minutes of the film. Nice job, Netflix.
6) Molly Ringwald was for sure doing yoga when she said she was doing Pilates. (This didn’t have any effect on the film itself, but it just bothered me).
7) The country singer/runaway is a JOKE. He had a guitar, a tent, and an alto saxophone but no money, no car and no food? Who are you? How did you get from Nashville to Malibu? You make no sense and should not be famous or in this movie.
8) The guacamole Camilla made looked really good. (That’s the one positive thing I have for this movie but I didn’t want to start a whole list just to write that one thing so I’m just throwing it at the bottom of this list)
Popcorn Rating: 1 popped corn for the guacamole
Seriously do not watch this movie. It’s worse than every cringy scene in the Twilight Series combined with the second-hand-embarrassment feeling you get when someone really tries in karaoke.