So most people watch “The Wizard of Oz” when they are 6, realize it is WAY too long and not worth their time and never watch it again. That was my story until I decided to suck it up and re-watch it two weeks ago. BIG MISTAKE!!!!

First, let me say some nice things before I get started here:

1) Judy Garland is amazing. If I sang like her when I was 16, HELLO AMERICAN IDOL!!

2) The concept of Muchkin land is fantastic. Same with Emerald city. Actual execution of these lands – poor at best. (Ok I know the second part wasn’t nice, but the first sentence was….kinda)

Last) Props to Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion for wearing those RIDICULOUS outfits and pretending to have a good time.

Now, can we please go right through the bush and drop the niceties. A 16 year old girl gets her puppy taken away because it ran through an old hag’s garden and now she wants to run away and never go home again. Couple thoughts.

First – get a leash and then all your problems would be solved. Second – old women need more hobbies. Will Toto really ruin your life? Why are you giving that puppy so much power? Why don’t you just get a bigger watch dog? I’m just saying – you have options. Third – A tornado lifts up Dorothy’s house, drops on the ground without killing Dorothy, and her house and her house alone are the only things that land in Oz?? What happened to all the other crap in the tornado? Where did that land? Are you telling me that the cow, the windmill, and the random wagons all just mysteriously disappeared, but the house survived and naturally landed unscathed in Oz? I NEED ANSWERS.

Lastly – I don’t even want to get into the plot and/or songs of this musical. A) The plot is ridiculous B) The songs are a bore and C) The wizard is just a man behind a curtain…..who didn’t see that coming? When the wizard won’t see anyone, no one has met the wizard, and the wizard wants a witches broomstick (most likely for power) how could you not see that this is just a man in disguise? What “wizard” would want evil power from a broomstick? SO MANY PLOT HOLES!!

Final thoughts – “Over the Rainbow” is overrated and doesn’t make any sense. Having a brain, a heart, and courage is a good idea. Don’t trust anyone that calls himself a wizard unless it’s Gandalf.

Popcorn Rating: 1 popped corn

There’s no place like home,

PFP

I apologize for being so sporadic in my posts recently. Now that the school year has started, I haven’t been able to regularly sit down and hash out my opinions on these movies. However, I am hoping to get organized so I may continue to educate you on these films that need to get a reality check.

“The French Connection” is yet another movie starring Gene Hackman. Luckily, unlike “Unforgiven”, Gene is not attempting to be a cowboy but instead is trying to be a badass. An equally difficult role for him to play well, but better than a Sheriff, I assure you. Now there are a couple things with this movie that make me want to pluck my eyeballs out:

1) Why does EVERY Italian mafia person look EXACTLY alike? This is NOT a Russian Novel. You don’t have to make this a game of “find the right character”. DISLIKE.

2) THIS MOVIE HAS NO ENDING!!!! (SPOILER ALERT) The bad guys DON’T get caught! What? This is a HORRIBLE idea. It’s like having the Lion King end with Scar taking over Pride Rock with the Hyenas and then the credits roll. Where the hell is Simba? Where is the fight? Why do the bad guys win? This is a stupid movie.

3) This movie was also based on a true story. AKA this movie was based on a ridiculous true story that has NO ending. WHY would you do this? I don’t understand. Also – AFI – Uh……why is this in your top 100?? I’m angry that this was even made into a movie – but to make TOP 100 GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME……??!! Someone needs to get fired.

Popcorn Rating: 1 Kernel

Conclusion: Watch the Lion King and stop it right before Simba kills Scar and call it a day. Congrats – you just watched “The French Connection”.

Truthfully Yours

PFP

If “The Shawshank Redemption”, “Rocky”, “The Philadelphia Story”, and “Lord of the Rings” combined all their epicness and emotional climaxes into one movie……you would get “Schindler’s List”.

For all you men that brag that the last movie you cried in was “The Lion King” when you were 6…….you will have to change your statement once you watch this movie. YOU WILL SOB. And ladies – this is a non-mascara wearing kind of movie. Get into your pajamas. Wear sweatpants that make you look like you just gained 30 pounds overnight. AND buy whatever comfort food you like in BULK.

This is a World War II movie for those of you that know nothing about history. Liam Neeson AND Ralph Fiennes are in this movie aka Guy-whose-daughter-always-gets-Taken and Voldemort star in this film. I don’t want to spoil anything so just make popcorn, buy some kleenex, and get educated on the best film known to mankind.

Popcorn Rating: 5 popped corns.

Truthfully Yours,

PFP

So just a few things you need to know about this movie “African Queen”:

#1: There are leeches. EVERYWHERE.

#2: Katharine and Humphrey are sort of in that “i’m-not-young-anymore-but-I-definitely-don’t-have-kids-yet” phase, so the romantic aspect of this movie is ALMOST uncomfortable. However because it’s Katharine and Humphrey – it works.

#3: The concept of this movie is like a failed first idea of the Titanic.

#4: This movie will make you want to take a shower so watch this in the morning and/or after a workout.

#5: If you don’t watch this movie – your life will not be complete.

Popcorn Rating: 4 popped kernels.

Sincerely Yours

PFP

 

OMG KEVIN COSTNER. He is the reason why Daniel Day Lewis didn’t even have a chance in “Last of the Mohicans”. When Kevin Costner starts off as a soldier, then moves to officer, then becomes Native American…..um, hello, DDL, you got no chance.

I don’t want to give too much away with this movie – obviously this is one of the few AFI top 100 movies that actually belongs here. It has everything – the UMAMI of movies if you will: blood, war, wolves, hunting, love, charades. The list goes on but you should be intrigued already.

The one set back about this movie, and the warning I wish I had received prior to watching this movie, is that “Dances With Wolves” is a little over 3 hours long. So in case you have never sat quietly for 3 hours before let me give you some pointers:

1)Don’t start this movie late at night or post-dinner. This is an afternoon/late morning movie for sure. You need to be able to eat candy and popcorn AND pizza – so post dinner movie watching is a No-go.

2) This is NOT a date movie. 3 hours of sitting next to someone you kind of know while watching Kevin Costner become a Native American is the worst idea ever. There are zero opportunities for arm-arounds and trust me, he won’t hold your hand until the end…….and by then it’s too late – you’ve sat in awkwardness for far too long.

3) I highly recommend that vegetarians do NOT watch this movie. There is a scene with dead buffalo. nuff said.

Popcorn Rating: 4 popped corns

Stands with a fist,

PFP

I have something to confess. I have only seen “Lawrence of Arabia” once and it was about 10 years ago. Now, my memory isn’t terrible, but when trying to recall this movie, I get something that very much resembles a snow storm in my brain. I have honestly tried to start this movie another time in the last few months……but I can’t do it. This movie is 4 HOURS LONG and you watch Peter O’Toole struggle with a life decision in the desert. Plus there’s an Intermission – ain’t nobody got time for that.

I would love to be one of those critics that can write about a boring movie and pretend that there’s depth and insight into life. However, I am trying to help the laypeople of this world figure out if this movie is worth your time…….and it is not. Pick any sport, any hobby, or any book and use these 4 hours for something worthwhile, or even not worthwhile, I don’t really care, it just shouldn’t be spent on this movie.

First off, no one in America can eat enough popcorn to make this movie interesting. Second, EVERYTHING takes place in the desert. Now I know that movies set in Arabia usually include desert, but COME ON, 4 HOURS OF SAND?? And no hot men on surf boards…….pick a different country. Dr. Zhivago takes place in snow covered, tundra Russia and I hate the cold, but I would still rather watch that over and over again than watch “Lawrence of Arabia” one more time. Mainly because there’s an affair, but also because it’s NOT IN THE DESERT.

Lastly, I cannot stand it when men can’t make decisions. Girls, can I get a what what. Peter O’Toole plays this character who can’t decide which country to agree with. Ok, yes, this decision is a bit harder than “what do you want to eat for dinner?” but still, going back and forth Arabia, Britain, Arabia, Britain, Arabia, you’ll drive a girl mad!

If this movie was an hour and a half, had scenes of INSIDE, and wasn’t starring Peter O’Toole, I’d watch it again.

Popcorn Rating: 1 popped corn, 1 kernel

Use your best judgement, but don’t come crying to me if you could have finished a scrapbook in 4 hours but chose not to.

PFP

 

“Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner” is a brilliant movie. You will laugh, roll your eyes, agree with everyone, and maybe even cry. Plus it takes place in San Francisco, so this movie really can’t get much better.

Context: Matt and Christina Drayton (Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn) have one daughter, Joey (Katharine Houghton), who they adore. They raised her to be a confident, liberal, self-sufficient lady. However, everything gets turned upside down in the Drayton family when Joey comes back from Hawaii engaged to a black man, Dr. John Prentice (Sidney Poitier). Now, there are two reasons why “all hell breaks loose” at the Drayton’s: 1) This was the 60’s and interracial couples were not popular nor were they encouraged. 2) Racism was still very much alive. So even though Joey had rose colored glasses on, the rest of the world, and the rest of the Draytons, did not. Supplemental Material: “Hairspray”.

The entire movie takes place in one day, which is nice because you don’t have to keep track of things, but it is also confusing because WHEN DOES ANYONE USE THE RESTROOM??!! So the movie starts with Joey and Dr. Prentice meeting Mr. Drayton and Mrs. Drayton at their house in SF. THEN Dr. Prentice and Joey announce their engagement.

(SPOILER ALERT). THEN Dr. Prentice tells Mr. and Mrs. Drayton, behind Joey’s back, that if he doesn’t get their blessing, he won’t actually marry Joey. THEN Mr. and Mrs. PRENTICE hear about this “new girl” in their sons life, so naturally, they fly up from LA to meet her and have dinner at the Draytons. THEN the parents talk to each other about the “situation”, and the dads agree that this is crazy and do not want to give their blessing. HOWEVER the moms are hopelessly romantic, as most women are, and are extremely stoked for the upcoming nuptials.

I will NOT tell you how it ends, so you will have to watch this movie to find out – or read the IMDB plot synopsis. However, watching it is WAY more fun. The build up to whether they will get their parent’s blessing or not is very close to the same anxiety one feels at the end of Pride and Prejudice – you kind of know how it will end, but you leave room for the idea that realism might conquer romance and it stresses you out.

Before you watch it, let me just give you a run down of how you feel about each main character:

Joey – OMG please get a dose of reality…..NOW. I can’t.

Dr. Prentice – Glad you are the logical one in this relationship. However, maybe you shouldn’t go for someone half your age…..questionable.

Mrs. Drayton: How can I be YOU when I’m older? Do I need to buy more scarves? I’m getting excited to be old.

Mr. Drayton: “Hey Spencer……Welcome to the 60’s!!” – Tracy Turnblad

Mrs. Prentice: Can you speak a little louder? I don’t take people who whisper seriously.

Mr. Prentice: Woah, woah woah. No one’s dying. RELAX. Life could be so much worse.

Popcorn Rating: 3 popped corns. 1 kernel

You will NEED to eat popcorn because dinner is supposed to be eaten like 5 different times in this movie and it ALWAYS gets delayed……so you WILL be hungry.

This is a great movie to show to your parents if you’re dating someone they don’t like.

PFP

This movie makes no sense, but James Dean is SO HOT that you should watch it.

First off, James Dean is in high school, however he’s at one of those Hollywood high schools where everyone looks like they’ve graduated from college already. However they haven’t stopped drinking every night of the week so they’ll pass as 16.  Nice job, Hollywood, ya got me.

Secondly, Natalie Wood’s character makes you want to home school ALL your children. How do people get like this after only 16 years of life? I CAN’T. The fact that James Dean has a crush on Natalie is the exact reason why this movie is a joke. NOBODY as scrumptious as James Dean should even be TEMPTED to crush on the viper that is Natalie Wood’s character.

Finally, SPOILER ALERT, if there is a shooter in THE GETTY, wouldn’t you think that the policemen would maybe, um, GO INSIDE THE BUILDING. Hi, a teenage kid could easily spend a WEEK in there without needing to come out for air. I’m positive there’s vending machines somewhere and drinking fountains, so this movie SHOULD have turned into a longer version of “127 Hours”. Instead, James has to save the day by convincing his friend to come out without the gun. Unfortunately, this friend just happens to be afraid of light. WHAT?! WHO IS THIS KID?! He flips his lid after a LIGHT shines on him. Who wrote this? I give up on trying to understand this movie.

In conclusion, the only reason this movie is on the AFI list is because stupid teenagers die and James Dean is yummy. If you are looking to be educated on anything, don’t watch this movie.

Popcorn Rating: 1 popped kernel – only for James

PFP

 

 

Why is it that whenever you ask people about a movie they say “Oh it’s great” and then NEVER give you more details! Am I supposed to ask you 19 more questions? Why can’t people actually give you warnings about movies before you see them. For example, if someone were to ask me “What do you think about Casablanca?” I would appropriately respond with “Oh it’s great. Love found then lost and then found again! What more could you want? Plus Humphrey Bogart as a cafe owner – not too shabby”. Do you see how I’ve given my opinion and also included some vague details about the movie, giving the potential Casablanca viewer a little taste of the good things to come?! Why can’t people do that? It’s not that difficult. Suffice to say – EVERYONE needs a warning before they watch “Unforgiven”. So here you go:

First off, Gene Hackman plays a bad guy, so please don’t plan a Gene Hackman marathon and watch “Unforgiven” AFTER “Hoosiers”…..very. bad. idea. Second, Morgan Freeman plays a cowboy……OBJECTION. Gary Cooper? sure. Clint Eastwood? yup. Morgan Freeman? pass. Now, I’m not saying his acting skills weren’t to par, and he definitely wore the cowboy hat correctly. But it’s MORGAN FREEMAN! He’s the voice of GOD. Do you really want to put him on a horse roaming around with Clint? NOPE. I refuse to believe that this was the best option casting-wise. Where was Robert Redford? Every cowboy needs to look like he could be called “Butch Cassidy”. Why is that NOT a prerequisite for casting cowboys? Sorry Morgan Freeman – YOU SHALL NOT PASS.

Thirdly, SPOILER ALERT, this entire movie is about a man who cuts a prostitute. WHY did NOBODY tell me this was the MAIN plot??!!! I thought I was watching a Western, WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?! I thought I could eat popcorn to this film – incorrect. Don’t eat ANYTHING. Don’t drink ANYTHIG – unless you want to be disgusted by it later. Talk about a disturbing movie. “Pulp Fiction” was unnecessarily graphic, but “Unforgiven” is just plain unnecessary. How this is a Top 100 movie blows my mind.

Popcorn Rating: 1 popped corn.

This movie is gross and disturbing and weird. Watch this at night if you never want to sleep well again.

PFP

I have to review something positive after “Chinatown”, so here are my thoughts on “The Shawshank Redemption”.

Ladies, if you have been dating a guy for 6 months and you’re slowly realizing that chick flicks don’t really make him put his arm around you – rent “The Shawshank Redemption”. I assure you that after this movie, he will let you pick every movie for the rest of your relationship because he will immediately respect your taste in movies. Plus, if it’s taken you 6 months to be considerate of your boyfriend’s feelings, you only have 3 more months left in your relationship until he realizes he can do better. So this is a win win.

Now, I am not usually a fan of Morgan Freeman’s work unless he’s narrating, however, in this exceptional movie – he does a pretty phenomenal job. I don’t want to spoil this movie for Shawshank virgins, but let me just say this: jail + library + revenge + total genius = one of the best movies of all time.

Do yourself a favor: buy a pizza, drink some beer, and watch this movie.

Popcorn Rating: 5 popped kernels

With Love,

PFP