If I could choose one movie that I could permanently erase from my brain it would be “Chinatown”. Can Jack Nicholson be in a normal movie just ONCE? I mean, “As Good As It Gets” kind of counts, except for the fact that he did that one WAY too late in his career. Something needed to happen between “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and “Chinatown”……a 2003 Rom Com does NOT change your image after you’ve done two MAJOR creeper movies.

Now, if you haven’t seen Chinatown, hopefully you’ve at least heard the infamous phrase, “My daughter, my sister, my daughter, my sister.” I challenge you to think of the grossest scenario to which this phrase could appropriately be used, and BINGO you’ve got it. SPOILER ALERT: in this movie, the female lead had a daughter that is ALSO her sister because, guess what, her dad raped her. What happened to Hollywood where this pitch became a MOVIE?! “Hey, I have this idea, now imagine a mother daughter combo where it’s ALSO, wait for it, a sister sister relationship!” CUT. Go home, tell your folks you now work at McDonald’s.

Jack – Why did you say yes to this role and then ONE year later say yes to CUCKOO’S NEST?? Are you trying to be the weirdest person in America? Congrats. You win hands down. I officially boycott all Jack Nicholson movies. Make better life choices.

So to prevent “Chinatown” from having too much written about it – basically Jack Nicholson plays a detective, tries to solve a murder and finds out WAYYYY too much about a family that disturbs the world and ruins everything good about movies.

Popcorn Rating: 2 burnt kernels

Don’t watch this movie. Save Yourself.

PFP

PS – this movie doesn’t deserve their cover picture in my blog. deal with it.

Because AFI has dropped the ball again and does NOT have a prerequisite list for some of these movies – I have provided one for you for “Vertigo”. I will make a second plea to AFI – please redo this list, hire me, and let the people know what they’re really getting into.

Here are a few things you need to do BEFORE you watch this movie:

1) You MUST watch one of the following movies with Jimmy Stewart in it. “Vertigo” should not taint your perception of him. He is a desirable match, ladies, I promise. So please watch one of these prior to viewing “Vertigo”:

The Philadelphia Story

Shop Around the Corner

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

It’s A Wonderful Life

2) Make sure you have enough time in the day to watch a second movie after. If you are more of a TV Show type of person, then make sure you have at least 40 minutes to spare after this movie is over. You will need it to clear your head and potentially make you forget what you just saw.

3) Call up a friend and ask them if they’re free to keep you company for 4 hours (2.5 hours for “Vertigo”, 1.5 hours for the movie after). If you don’t have a friend: dogs, cats, and grandparents work too.

OK, now you are ready. You may rent, buy, or go to an old black and white theater and watch “Vertigo”. However, let me give you some very bias opinions on this movie so you know what to expect.

“Vertigo” is creepy. Now it’s not the “Ew, gross that man won’t stop staring at me” creepy, it’s more like “Um, why does my boyfriend look exactly like my dad ” creepy. Just remember that as weird as things get in the middle – they get SO MUCH WORSE at the end.

True Story: I watched this movie at 11am on a Saturday and could not stop thinking about the ending until 8am Monday. ALL DAY SUNDAY was like a terrible version of Ground Hog Day. I just kept thinking about it, then getting freaked out by it, and then thinking about it some more! It’s like the worst Catch 22 ever (Major Major Major).

Secondly, and this is more of a complaint than an opinion, why does Hollywood allow people to “fall in love” in 3 days? WHY? I mean, yes, if you are a lion and your lioness friend finds you in the jungle and makes you king – then maybe, MAYBE you can fall in love in 3 days. But Hitchcock! Really? Jimmy Stewart is a retired detective and all it takes is 3 days of stalking a women and he’s head over heels?! DISLIKE. And don’t get me wrong – I am a HUGE sucker for love, but COME ON! How am I supposed to pick a side when I truly believe EVERYONE in this movie needs to be institutionalized.

Finally, (SPOILER ALERT) Jimmy was an idiot for letting her near the bell tower. I know this inner dialogue happens in every thriller/horror movie: “Don’t open the door, don’t do it. You heard scary noises from behind the door so just call the police and walk away. NOOOOO. WHY? Yea, well ya see – I knew you were going to die. Ugh. People are dumb”. HOWEVER – I honestly thought Hitchcock was better than that. But no. He has to include a scene where the audience is SO much more intelligent than Jimmy Stewart. They must watch him make a mistake, realize he made it, try and fix it, and then watch someone die. I can’t. This is why I never watch the elevator scene in “Serendipity” – the audience needs to be in the dark! It’s way too frustrating and completely unsatisfying to watch scenes where you KNOW the bad thing that is going to happen next.

In conclusion – “Vertigo” is a good one-time-only, not-on-a-first-date kind of movie. It will bothers you for days, so if that is your yardstick for measuring a good movie – knock yourself out.

Popcorn Rating: 3 popped, 1 kernel

Still Scarred,

PFP

This post is going to be super short because “When Harry Met Sally” is a brilliant, funny, MUST-SEE movie. Billy Crystal is surprisingly charming and Meg Ryan is so high maintenance that you can’t imagine your life without her.

Now trust me, the idea of Billy Crystal being the “Matthew McConaughey” of this Rom Com sounds like a terrible idea. However, all of you will have this exact mental dialogue so prepare yourself:

5 minutes in: “Wow, poor Meg Ryan, she is gorgeous and Billy Crystal looks like an awkward Jewish kid who doesn’t know he’s gonna be a Rabbi yet”.

30 minutes in: “OMG, I honestly didn’t think someone could get less attractive in their 20’s. Unbelievable.”

1 hour in: “So if THAT many women want to sleep with him – he must be pretty good in bed, right? Is that a good enough reason to start liking someone? No, no, get it together. He’s still gross. Who still wears turtle necks? Like really.”

1.5 hours in: “Oh, Billy! I wouldn’t have left you – stupid Helen – doesn’t know quality when it hits her in face. Stupid woman. All women who divorce Billy Crystal are moronic.”

End of the movie: “Come ON Meg! How can you say ‘No’! Sex is great. Face is perfect. Body is proportional. What more could you want?! He’s the WHOLE Package!”

Credits rolling: “Haha wow, for like a solid half hour I was kind of digging Billy Crystal. Glad that’s over.”

Conclusion – every scene in this movie is perfect. Meg Ryan crying will make your day. Billy Crystal at a batting cage is too good to be true. Princess Leia as a stupid slut is phenomenal. The amount of popcorn you will eat during this movie will be astronomical. Enjoy.

Popcorn Rating: 5 popped corns

Hands down – this move is in my top 5.

PFP

This review will be a rave so get excited. I have mentioned before that Humphrey Bogart’s parents need to learn English and pick better names for their children. However, lucky for Humphs, Maltese Falcon was such a fabulous first movie for him that his name started to not matter that much anymore.

Without spoiling this movie – because it’s that good – I will just tell you the reasons WHY it should make it to the top of your “to watch” list.

1)   There’s a fat man in charge. I think the British Accent is so two thousand and late. It is ALL about the heavy-set men calling the shots. Not only do they seem to just know more about life, they somehow ALWAYS get to sit in huge leather seats thus increasing their cool factor by one million.

2)   Humphrey Bogart continuously outsmarts every person he meets. Random analogy (go with me on this): Have you ever seen an oboe player that’s really hot? Your first reaction is “Oh Lord. It’s an oboe. Death.” then you go, “Well at least he’s good looking – he’ll need that later in life” then finally, “Wow he’s talented. Did you see how cute he is? I think I’m attracted to him. That oboe makes him SO hot! Why doesn’t Brad Pitt play the oboe? Angelina’s missin’ out.” That is exactly what happens when you watch this movie. Just replace the oboe player with Humphrey and the oboe with detective work.

3)   You learn a little bit about Malta. Win.

4)   The mother from “Little Women” plays a damsel in distress in this movie. This doesn’t necessarily make the movie good……but I felt like I struck gold when I recognized her.

Popcorn Rating: 4 popped and 1 kernel

Drink some tea so you feel important. Pop some salty popcorn (so you want more tea). Watch this movie with your dad and you will bond.

Life is good,

PFP

This is quite the Renaissance movie. Bonnie & Clyde has love, jail, murder, some jokes, and lots of guns. What more could you want? Now not only have I watched this 1967 movie that is on the AFI Top 100 Greatest Movies of All Time list, but I have also seen the recent 2013 Bonnie & Clyde – the mini-series. Yes the mini-series is like 3 times longer and requires at least 5 bowls of popcorn, but it is MUCH more informative.

Bonnie & Clyde –the movie- is similar to the Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice: the love is intensified, the looks have been upgraded, and you don’t really feel attached to the characters. Therefore when they (SPOILER ALERT) die, you don’t actually care too much. If anything – in the movie version – you kind of wish Bonnie had died in the car when it catches on fire because she just gets more annoying as the movie goes on.

I also feel like this question needs to get asked “WHY is Bonnie RANDOMLY NAKED in the first scene? “I wish there was an awkward nip-slip in this movie” said NOBODY EVER. Bonnie get over yourself and put a shirt on.

I almost wish the mini-series didn’t exist because then maybe the movie would actually be seen as something interesting. I am aware that mini-series are supposed to be more educational and have more details in them, which usually means it will be a better production. However, it is what it is. So AFI, get with the program and either take Bonnie & Clyde OFF the list or replace it with the mini-series.

I am also just flat-out embarrassed that Gene Wilder made it onto the AFI top 100 list. Isn’t there like a blacklist out there? Gene Wilder is to actors like Dave Koz is to musicians.
Popcorn Rating: 2 popped corns, 1 kernel

You will be entertained watching this movie, however you will also want to join the shooting squad at the end of it. Make sure you have M&Ms with the popcorn this time.

Sincerely,

PFP

I am adding a rating aspect to my reviews. I figure if IMDB can do it – I can do it. It will be very simple and straight forward. Instead of stars I will be giving movies a rating between 1 kernel being the lowest and 5 popped corns being the highest. It takes two kernels to make a popped corn in this system. Some examples of ratings:

Gone With the Wind = 4 popped corns
Taxi Driver = 1 popped corn and 1 kernel
A Streetcar Named Desire = 1 popped corn
Pulp Fiction = 1 kernel

I will also be recommending some eating options for certain movies. My recommendations are simply observations I have made during and post-movie watching events. Some movies call for tea, others beer. Most call for popcorn and a lot for m&ms. Don’t worry, you’re in good hands. I’ll teach you my ways young grasshopper.

You’re Welcome,
PFP

“STEEEEELLLLLAAAAA” –Marlon Brando

So the reason this “phrase” (word) is repeated so much is because it’s the ONLY good part of this movie. I thought Katherine Hepburn was annoying in Bringing Up Baby (I’ll get to that movie later) but lo and behold – Vivien Leigh is so much worse. Just think of your most annoying friend, add 40 years to his/her life, a bad hair do, and a Minnie mouse voice and you’ve got Vivien.

Now I’m not stupid – I know Vivien’s character was supposed to be annoying, but for what? At least Katherine Hepburn was annoying enough to get herself a man! What does Vivien get? A mental institution. Cool, Viv, maybe you and Jack Nicholson can figure out a new way to make a better movie.

So let’s back up a bit. Here’s why Vivien Leigh’s character starts and ends as a crazy person. Blanche (Vivien Leigh) is the sister of Stella, and Stella (actress’ name is unimportant) is married to Stanley (Marlon Brando). Now Blanche used to live on her family’s estate however everyone died and Blanche lost the property. Bummer. So she moves to live with her sister, Stella, and her husband (Marlon).

Smart Blanche decides to judge Stanley within 2 minutes of meeting him, thus starting a 6-month long abusive relationship between her, Stella, and Stanley. Like a bad Shakespeare play. Unfortunately for Blanche, almost every time there is an argument Stella sides with Stanley. Stella knows Blanche’s mental health is a bit – let’s say – unstable. Though if you asked Marlon Brando he’d probably say she was one stop short of John Nash.

SPOILER ALERT. Stanley calls a Mental Institution to come to the house so they can come pick up Blanche (man were things easier back then). Stella has a baby and realizes how abusive Stanley really is and starts having second thoughts. And Blanche flirts with a gross creeper and he falls in love with her.

In the last 10 minutes Stanley “rapes” Blanche and that pushes her over the edge into crazy town and she gets sent away. Now “rapes” is not in quotes to diminish the act– I am merely confused as to whether it actually happens. I read 3 different synopses and they all put “rape” as the unseen action in the movie. But the scene LITERALLY cuts from Marlon grabbing Blanche and throwing her on the floor then….. NEW SCENE!!!! How is this supposed to automatically mean RAPE! Now I understand that in older movies when there’s a sleep over we all know what happened…..but tossing someone on the floor = rape? In what world? Either be a LOT more specific or give Marlon the benefit of the doubt. People need to calm down.

Last Scene:

Stella leaves Stanley and takes the baby – FINALLY STELLA!! How many times does a man need to yell your name in the streets for you to figure out he has anger issues? Blanche is gone and no one seems to care. Creeper man is lonely but who really didn’t see that coming? Suffice to say – show this movie to your friend if you hate them.

Truth hurts,

PFP

Gone With the Wind has one of the best phrases ever to be found in a movie: “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” For 4 hours you watch Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable have this heart-breaking romance where timing (and common sense) are never on their side. There are parties, laughter, love triangles, depression, fire, and basically everything else you want in a classic movie. And of course, there’s love.

This movie takes place during the American Civil War. Scarlett (Vivien Leigh) just wants to be loved and enjoy the privileged life she was brought up in. However, war happens and Scarlett FINALLY gets a taste of reality. Everything she has is lost, including her unrequited lover, Ashley. He is married and goes to war and to many normal people he would be considered “Occupied” of “Taken” – but not to Scarlett. She was so blinded by her love for unattainable Ashley that she completely overlooked Clark Gable! Who does that? I don’t care if a married man seems more attractive to you, Scarlett, have you seen It Happened One Night? Believe me you, when Clark Gable so much as sneezes toward you, you kiss him, propose, and marry the pants off of that man!

Let’s just jump to the ending. Scarlett, after being widowed twice, doesn’t have much left when the war is over. However, she meets Rhett once more and they marry! yay. a happy ending. Though, it wouldn’t be such a famous movie if it did end that way. Nobody actually wants to see Scarlett happy – though after 4 hours you kind of want to see some happiness. So you have it – the last famous scene from one of the best movies out there: (SPOILER ALERT) Bonnie, Scarlett’s daughter whom Rhett loves dearly, dies after being thrown off a horse. However, instead of being heartbroken about her death (like Rhett was) she is still thinking about Ashley. Finally Rhett says he’s leaving her for good. Scarlett immediately regrets her decision and tells Rhett that it was him all along, not Ashley (yea, nice try Scarlett). Of course, being a logical man, he doesn’t care what Scarlett says and still leaves, thus uttering the phrase “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Win for Rhett. #wfr

“Scarlett is left in her empty mansion alone, looking at the dawn, knowing that tomorrow is a new day thus giving her new hope.” This is what EVERY synopsis in the world says about the ending of this movie. WHY? Is it always necessary to have every movie end with the hope of tomorrow? Now don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of tomorrow just as much as the next person – Annie and I could be best friends, but for ONCE can the movie just end with “And Scarlett realized how stupid she was and looked out to the sky hoping a lightning bolt would kill her.” THAT is a more accurate ending to this story! You go through heartbreak and frustration for Rhett and it ends with “Scarlett looks forward to tomorrow”. NO. REJECT. This ending needs to go. Rhett needs to leave Scarlett and she needs to understand the GRAVITY of her mistakes. It is not fair to the audience to have it end this way. Scarlett needs to cry and tear her clothes and cry “STELLA” for this ending to be accurate.

Alright, I believe I have made my point. Gone With the Wind is an excellent film. Done very well. Clark and Vivien are extremely talented actors. I just wish Scarlett got a pie in her face at the end.

Go make some popcorn, have some tea, and watch this movie.

Sincerely Yours,

PFP

I deeply desire to understand WHY silent movies are making it onto the AFI Top 100 Movies of All Time list. Am I missing something? Are there special objects to look for in the silent film that I don’t know about? Are there I Spy instructions that I’m missing in the beginning? Because maybe, just maybe, I Spy during The General would make this movie slightly more interesting – emphasis on slightly. Now, I will say this – I am not a boy and trains do not fascinate me. Maybe if I played with Thomas when I was little I would find The General more exciting. But lo, I played with dolls so slow motion “train chases” do not amuse me.

Allow me to give you the highlights of this movie. Buster Keaton, aka the shortest actor to have ever starred in a movie, tries to get into the army but is rejected because he is a train engineer and is “too important”. THEN the enemy army tries to take Buster Keaton’s train “The General”, hence the name of the movie, and he uses his large amount of wit to chase them down and win the day.

Now, this is not a terrible plot. I think if they switched Buster Keaton with Tom Cruise and had them on jet planes this wouldn’t be so bad. Oh wait – that’s been done. Or maybe if they used Daniel Craig and gave him a really nice car. Jokes – this movie plot is just horrible.

However, the aspect of silent movies that makes this one so particularly awful is the constant need to make a comedic scene last FOREVER. They are CLEARLY making up for the fact that this movie is not interesting by trying to add some slapstick into it. However, Buster Keaton, last time I checked, was not a Marx brother, and even those guys get annoying if a bit goes on too long (hello, Graucho). But to have Buster Keaton, a NOT funny person, do comedic bits solely to waste time is completely unnecessary! Maybe throwing wood over the train was funny once, twice- not so much, and thrice – GO HOME. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

My last issue with this movie are the talking signs. In silent movies, if you haven’t seen one (lucky you), the characters that want to say something move their mouths noticably, point or make a large gesture, and then the director cuts to a screen with a frilly border that has the words on it. For example, Buster Keaton will be seen opening his mouth and pointing then the screen will say “OVER THERE”.

Now this was a great idea except for the fact that the director apparently thinks that anyone watching this movie is 3 and has to sound out each letter before being able to read it. These words are on screen for 20 seconds when it takes exactly 1.2 seconds to read it, and NOBODY HAS COMPLAINED? If I had anything to do with producing this movie I would have at least asked someone if the director was dyslexic. THIS IS NOT DIFFICULT. If your desired demographic is 3 year olds than by all means keep doing what you’re doing, however, I am incredibly offended that you think I can’t read “HEY YOU” in less than a minute.

Suffice to say, The General is a silent movie about a train chase that takes 1 hour 28 minutes. There is no talking. There are screenshots of dialogue that last a degrading amount of time, and Buster Keaton should grow and learn to talk.

Thank you Jazz Singer for being a talkie,

PFP

“Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?” The famous words that the unbearably awkward Dustin Hoffman utters as he plays Benjamin Braddock in this AFI Top 100 Movie. Now, this movie was quite “original” in that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher weren’t a couple yet so the concept of a cougar was not yet established. Therefore Mrs. Robinson and Benjamin were quite a shocking couple in the 60’s. I will NOT give you a synopsis of this movie because EVERYONE and their mother already knows it. Therefore I will simply give you my opinion.

THIS MOVIE MAKES ME WANT TO THROW THE REMOTE AT THE TV WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY PEEING IN MY PANTS. why? Why is this movie so disgustingly uncomfortable. I have to physically get up off the couch (not a movement I am used to) and pace around the living room because Dustin Hoffman is so unbelievably uncomfortable. I have never seen an actor be this awkward ALL THE TIME. Why is this happening? Who said “Oh no, Dusty, pause even longer before you talk so that the audience will really think that you have a mental disability. Oh yes….much better”.

This entire movie should be 30 minutes long. First off, there is about 15 minutes of unwanted Scuba Diving scenes. WHAT?! Scuba Diving in an ocean or sea flirts with the idea of being a little interesting but instead, Dustin scuba dives in a pool, a SWIMMING POOL, in his backyard. I CAN’T.

Second, the affair lasts for like what – 2-3 weeks top?!? Was this necessary? Could it have just been ONE awkward night instead of a bunch of weird weeks? Everyone knows that Benjamin Braddock only lasted like 43 seconds at the most the first time, so why not exploit that!? Does anyone really want to see him GRADUALLY get decent over the course of 14 days?! No. Because we have things to do and places to be. It’s completely unnecessary. Mrs. Robinson wasn’t the smartest tool in the shed for picking the awkward senior in high school who CLEARLY never got any! #learnfromyourmistakes

Finally, (SPOILER ALERT) Benjamin runs away with Mrs. Robinson’s daughter, Elaine – the actual love of his life! Oh yes, because I forgot that in 1967 you can meet someone twice and then fall in love and live happily ever after. DISLIKE. This is not Disneyland. Happily ever afters are for FOOLS. Benjamin Braddock, get a job.

Dear AFI,

Have you watched this movie recently? Do the world a favor and actually watch these films before you put them on a list!

Sincerely

PFP