This review will be a rave so get excited. I have mentioned before that Humphrey Bogart’s parents need to learn English and pick better names for their children. However, lucky for Humphs, Maltese Falcon was such a fabulous first movie for him that his name started to not matter that much anymore.

Without spoiling this movie – because it’s that good – I will just tell you the reasons WHY it should make it to the top of your “to watch” list.

1)   There’s a fat man in charge. I think the British Accent is so two thousand and late. It is ALL about the heavy-set men calling the shots. Not only do they seem to just know more about life, they somehow ALWAYS get to sit in huge leather seats thus increasing their cool factor by one million.

2)   Humphrey Bogart continuously outsmarts every person he meets. Random analogy (go with me on this): Have you ever seen an oboe player that’s really hot? Your first reaction is “Oh Lord. It’s an oboe. Death.” then you go, “Well at least he’s good looking – he’ll need that later in life” then finally, “Wow he’s talented. Did you see how cute he is? I think I’m attracted to him. That oboe makes him SO hot! Why doesn’t Brad Pitt play the oboe? Angelina’s missin’ out.” That is exactly what happens when you watch this movie. Just replace the oboe player with Humphrey and the oboe with detective work.

3)   You learn a little bit about Malta. Win.

4)   The mother from “Little Women” plays a damsel in distress in this movie. This doesn’t necessarily make the movie good……but I felt like I struck gold when I recognized her.

Popcorn Rating: 4 popped and 1 kernel

Drink some tea so you feel important. Pop some salty popcorn (so you want more tea). Watch this movie with your dad and you will bond.

Life is good,

PFP