Humphrey Bogart is probably the ugliest name in America. I don’t know what his parents were thinking but I can assure you that they did not intend for him to become a Hollywood Movie Star with a name like that. However, this specific Humphrey (Lord help the other Humphreys in this world) was one of the best actors the 20th century had ever seen.

Casablanca is like the original Castaway. However instead of Tom Hanks, Wilson, and an island, you have Humphrey, Ilsa, and Victor Lazlo. This movie takes place during World War II in Casablanca, Morocco which is the waiting point for refugees trying to leave nazi-occupied Europe – aka a super fun place to be. Now the reason it is like Castaway is because there is love, then years apart, then love rekindled however one of the original parties is with someone else. (SPOILER ALERT). Humphrey Bogart (Rick) had Ingrid Burgman (Ilsa) had a deep love for each other before World War II had started. Humphrey asked Ingrid to flee with him to the Americas (first having to go through Casablanca) and she agrees. So Humphrey gets to the train station and instead of finding Ingrid he just gets a letter that says she has a HUSBAND!!! #plottwist #stoodup. So Rick (Humphrey) goes to Casablanca by himself and opens up a bar/restaurant called “Rick’s Cafe”. sad life.

Now for the good stuff. Years pass and Ilsa and her HUSBAND Victor Lazlo enter Casablanca trying to go to the Americas as well. Victor is an anti-nazi enthusiast and has gotten himself onto every black list there was in Europe. Nice. So let’s cut to the end. Rick and Ilsa still have MAD feelings for each other and Ilsa tells Rick that she wants to go to America with him and NOT with Victor – things are getting cray cray. SO Rick uses all his connections in Casablanca and gets a plane for them that night to ‘MURICA. YES!! THE END!! Well, if I were the director here – THIS would be the ending. Mainly because I think Victor has been acting like he has a reindeer up his butt, AND I can’t help wanting the best for someone whose name is HUMPHREY!!!

Well, readers, THAT is NOT the ending and instead Rick calls Victor and tells him to get on the plane without Ilsa knowing and Rick stays behind in Casablanca watching the love of his life fly away on a plane with her husband she doesn’t love. Yes, folks, this movie is WAY worse than Romeo and Juliet. Sorry Shakespeare, Hollywood wins this round.

Lessons Learned from Casablanca:

1) Don’t fall for a married woman

2) GET ON PLANES YOU PLAN FOR YOURSELF

3) Never ever ever name your kid Humphrey

Please watch this movie. Everyone needs a little heartbreak now and then.

Here’s lookin at you kid,

PFP

Pulp Fiction. Sounds mysterious. Looks creepy. Isn’t actually interesting. Now I know some of you die-hard Quentin fans might be upset with this statement, but this movie is terrible – fact. I have watched hundreds of movies in my lifetime – scary, thriller, action, adventure, romantic, comedy, indie, etc – and most movies I see have some sort of redeeming quality, a cushion to soften the blow if you will. It might be a hunky actor, pretty female lead, plot twist, cute pet, but I am sorry to tell you that Pulp Fiction has NONE of these redeeming factors.

Let me give you the gist of this movie (SPOILER ALERT): two men (John Travolta and Samuel L Jackon) are cop-like, detective-ish, mafia folk. They do “jobs” for a Mr. Wallace – whose face you don’t actually see until the end of the movie, and these “jobs” usually involve killing people and/or taking things. Now this movie is filmed like a less complicated version of 500 Days of Summer in the sense that there are Episodes that happen however you see them in the wrong order. For example someone might die 30 minutes in, but then you will see him/her again near the end of the movie because for some reason they chose to show you the end first. Basically the 2 main characters (John and Samuel) and Bruce Willis are the main attraction in this movie, however Bruce ends up running away with his international girlfriend by the middle of the movie – so don’t be motivated to watch this because of Bruce.

Now the appeal of this movie is clearly the blood. There is lots of shooting, guns, inspirational talks, etc…to make this movie interesting enough to watch a second time for some men. However, my major issue in this movie is UMA THURMAN!!! She plays the wife of Mr. Wallace and she has an entire Episode dedicated to her drug addiction/OD. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? I do not understand why she is in this movie even more so why SHE IS ON THE COVER!!!?? I honestly thought this movie was about Uma Thurman being some sort of hardcore Elektra meets Cat Woman meets Lara Croft – but nooooooo! Uma Thurman is a crazy smoker/coke chick who goes on one bad date with John Travolta and then almost dies. WHAT? Quentin – how long did you really spend making up this movie? I would have put in, oh I don’t know, maybe another couple hours into figuring out what this ridiculous story is actually about!!

Finally – WHY must Tarantino be in all his movies?? You really want to be comparing yourself to Hitchcock – is that a smart idea? Maybe after you’ve actually produced multiple GOOD movies (emphasis on good), then MAYBE you can start thinking about momentarily appearing in ONE of them. But until then – PIPE DOWN AND LET THE TALENT WORK!

Concluding statement: If you want to see John Travolta die – watch this movie. If you want to see Uma Thurman almost die – watch this movie. If you don’t mind watching a movie that teaches you nothing and makes you wonder how Bruce Willis could ever have accepted this role after Die Hard – then watch this movie. For anyone not interested in the above criteria – I’d recommend watching paint dry because THAT would be more interesting.

Out

PFP

I am well aware that I probably could have started this blog with a happy movie filled with love and unicorns, but that’s not really what I truly enjoy writing about. Instead, I would like to begin this blog with a review on Taxi Driver featuring a young Robert De Niro as a taxi driver. Now this is no ordinary taxi driver, instead Robert De Niro is a Vietnam War Veteran who drives a Taxi and gets mixed up with a 14-year-old, let’s go with, “woman of loose morals”. Now I am not a cinema major and I have never filmed a movie in my life so if you are looking for a technical review this is NOT the blog for you. However, if you are simply interested in watching this movie because you’ve heard about it and because Robert is basically at the peak of his hotness, then please read on.

Robert De Niro basically witnesses terrible New Yorkers doing terrible things as a taxi driver. However, the one event he can’t shake off is seeing this 14-year-old girl of loose morals trying to get away from a random man (you later find out he is her pimp). Now, naturally, this is a good thing – it is good that a taxi driver would not be comfortable with this situation. So hold on to your seat, my opinion is about the movie as a whole, not about specific events in the movie. Basically, Robert De Niro decides to buy a bunch of guns, shave his head into a creepy mohawk and then kill all the men that are running the “Young Women of Loose Morals” program. The movie ends (SPOILER ALERT) with Robert De Niro in a coma but a “hero” of New York for killing the terrible men of the city.

Now, here are reasons why people say they “like” this movie:

1) It’s different

2) It’s dark yet satisfying

3) It shows you how life was really like in New York after the war

4) Robert De Niro has a nice body

I agree with #1 and #4, however being “different” should NOT always mean that a movie should get 5 stars and make it on the Top 100 list of AFI. I like fritos with apple sauce and that’s different, but the Barefoot Contessa hasn’t asked for my recipe yet! Why is this movie so special? Robert De Niro doesn’t even speak for about half the movie and when he does it’s like a murmur and you’re just hoping he’s said something profound otherwise the last two hours have been for not. I also find it hard to believe that this taxi driver was the ONLY person in all of New York who used ALL his smarts to figure out where the bad guys lived. Robert had literally seen this girl twice and was able to find out where she was. Wow, great job Sherlock, you followed all the clues and found the secret wardrobe. WHAT?! This makes no sense to me. Why is this random taxi driver a “hero” and the only person who could find these terribly sick men. I’m just not buying it.

Finally my last complaint is WHAT IN THE WORLD DID THE LOVE INTEREST HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS MOVIE?? First of all I hated the lady who played Betsy because she looked too much like Marsha from the Brady Bunch and I could not get over it. Second, what was the point? He falls for her, creeps her out, stalks her, then stalks the candidate she works for, then brings guns to a presidential election speech, then….changes his mind and decides to kill every man that ran a brothel in New York? What is this plot line? How did this get pitched to people? How did they approve this?

When this movie FINALLY ends you don’t think “aw that was sweet” or “wow, great movie”. You blink twice. Check the time. Then think “wow, I legitimately hated that movie. and robert de niro. and jodie foster”. I hope this review can turn you away from watching Taxi Driver, and I also hope that the Robert De Niro you see in Meet the Parents is the mental image you will always have of him instead of the one he gives you in Taxi Driver.

Truthfully yours

PFP

I bought my first movie when I was 10. I saved all my birthday and Christmas money so I could buy one movie: That Thing You Do. Liv Tyler, Tom Hanks, and some cute man named “Guy” star in this fabulous film about a one-hit-wonder band making it to the top of the charts. It has love, it has drama, and it has a drummer in shades – what else would a 10 -year-old want? This movie made me laugh, cry, and sing constantly. But more importantly That Thing You Do made me fall in love with movies.

Now fast-forward to July 7, 2014. I am a music teacher by day but a movie addict by night. I try to watch at least one movie every day, and now that it’s summertime I am able to watch 3-4 movies before dinner. However, I don’t just watch any movie -I insist that if popcorn is going to be made, the movie must be brilliant.

Now how do I know that a movie will be brilliant? That is a bit of an arduous task, however, I plan to start by watching movies from lists. Some people (lucky people) have jobs that require them to rank movies based on humor, love, intelligence, and originality. These rankings of movies are then posted on the internet where any layman can find them and begin to watch. I have found such a list and have began to conquer it movie by movie. The list I have started this summer is “The American Film Institute’s Top 100 Movies Of All Time“. Now I don’t plan on watching all 100, but I figure I’ll start here to see what my new standard should be for a “great” film.

Therefore, ladies and gentleman, this blog will be my critiques of some of these top 100 movies as I watch them this summer. There are some movies I have seen already so in that case I will simply give you a synopsis and an opinion I have already formulated of them. With the new movies I watch, however, you will be in for a treat – an unfiltered, fresh-out-of-the-oven opinion from yours truly.

Get Excited.

PFP