Humphrey Bogart is probably the ugliest name in America. I don’t know what his parents were thinking but I can assure you that they did not intend for him to become a Hollywood Movie Star with a name like that. However, this specific Humphrey (Lord help the other Humphreys in this world) was one of the best actors the 20th century had ever seen.

Casablanca is like the original Castaway. However instead of Tom Hanks, Wilson, and an island, you have Humphrey, Ilsa, and Victor Lazlo. This movie takes place during World War II in Casablanca, Morocco which is the waiting point for refugees trying to leave nazi-occupied Europe – aka a super fun place to be. Now the reason it is like Castaway is because there is love, then years apart, then love rekindled however one of the original parties is with someone else. (SPOILER ALERT). Humphrey Bogart (Rick) had Ingrid Burgman (Ilsa) had a deep love for each other before World War II had started. Humphrey asked Ingrid to flee with him to the Americas (first having to go through Casablanca) and she agrees. So Humphrey gets to the train station and instead of finding Ingrid he just gets a letter that says she has a HUSBAND!!! #plottwist #stoodup. So Rick (Humphrey) goes to Casablanca by himself and opens up a bar/restaurant called “Rick’s Cafe”. sad life.

Now for the good stuff. Years pass and Ilsa and her HUSBAND Victor Lazlo enter Casablanca trying to go to the Americas as well. Victor is an anti-nazi enthusiast and has gotten himself onto every black list there was in Europe. Nice. So let’s cut to the end. Rick and Ilsa still have MAD feelings for each other and Ilsa tells Rick that she wants to go to America with him and NOT with Victor – things are getting cray cray. SO Rick uses all his connections in Casablanca and gets a plane for them that night to ‘MURICA. YES!! THE END!! Well, if I were the director here – THIS would be the ending. Mainly because I think Victor has been acting like he has a reindeer up his butt, AND I can’t help wanting the best for someone whose name is HUMPHREY!!!

Well, readers, THAT is NOT the ending and instead Rick calls Victor and tells him to get on the plane without Ilsa knowing and Rick stays behind in Casablanca watching the love of his life fly away on a plane with her husband she doesn’t love. Yes, folks, this movie is WAY worse than Romeo and Juliet. Sorry Shakespeare, Hollywood wins this round.

Lessons Learned from Casablanca:

1) Don’t fall for a married woman

2) GET ON PLANES YOU PLAN FOR YOURSELF

3) Never ever ever name your kid Humphrey

Please watch this movie. Everyone needs a little heartbreak now and then.

Here’s lookin at you kid,

PFP