Welp, that is 3 hours of my life that I can never get back.
I honestly had no expectations for this movie (other than hoping to see Hugh’s hot bod at some point) and yet somehow, even limited expectations, this movie was a colossal disappointment. Hugh Jackman, this Mushu speech is for you “Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family! Dishonor on your cow!” You are better than this.
If you haven’t watched it yet, save yourself three hours of regret and just read my super accurate synopsis:
Act 1: Hugh Jackman aka Logan aka Wolverine is a drunk, working as some sort of glorified Uber driver. He meets a woman who has a mutant child and wants Wolverines help, but, of course, some bad guy is also going after the girl and things get messy. Oh and by messy I mean completely unnecessarily violent. Like Kill Bill unnecessarily violent – it’s comical.
Act 2: Everyone aside from the four main characters is now dead. The mutant girl needs to go to North Dakota so she can escape to Canada and be free. Don’t ask me how or why Canada equals freedom. My theory has something to do with healthcare, but quite frankly I don’t care enough to do the research.
Act 3: More people die. Horrible, bloody, ridiculous deaths. The girl and wolverine get to North Dakota. More mutant children are there, and, wait for it, even more people die! Then wolverine (spoiler alert) dies and the kids run to Canada.
Credits role. You sit there confused as to how this movie got pitched to Hollywood and approved to go into filming. The plot is literally a roadtrip filled with death. This might actually be one of the worst things I’ve seen in a while. I had to watch two episodes of the Office to somewhat try and redeem my evening.
Popcorn Rating: 1 popped corn
Literally watch The Office and call it a day. Don’t even bother with this one.