I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know what this movie is about. I mean, I know the plot summary, but I don’t get it. I left the theater saying “WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS FILM?”

Let me tell you why this film vexed me so. It was advertised as “Marilyn Monroe’s first film!” So…..intrigue. I haven’t seen many Marilyn Monroe movies, actually I’ve only seen the Seven Year Itch where she stands over the sewage system or whatever “sexy” manhole that was supposed to be. (Sidenote: also a colossal waste of time). BUT Marilyn is such an icon that I thought “well, this outta be good! This is probably where her career launched! Maybe she has funny lines or pretty dresses or great acting skills”. NOT EVEN CLOSE.

Marilyn was LITERALLY in this 2.5 hour movie for 45 seconds. SECONDS. It was exactly like watching the end of the first Hobbit film when they look out in the distance and see the Lonely Mountain for the first time and their reactions was like “oh my gosh, it’s so close!” And the audience was like “Ughhh Mars is closer. Get some glasses, dwarves!” That is how I felt in this movie waiting for Marilyn. I waited 2 hours to see her walk up a staircase, ask Eve a question and then leave. “Ughhhhh Who makes these movie advertisements!!” It’s like you were told to watch the super bowl because David Beckham is there, but he gets 3 seconds on the jumbotron at the end of the 4th quarter. “WHAT! I waited 4 hours and 25 snickers commercials for this?”

I’m hoping one of those analogies spoke to you and made you realize that under no circumstance should you watch this movie for Marilyn. Now the question remains, should you watch this movie? That I can’t tell you cause I literally spent the whole movie waiting for Marilyn. However, if you like to use deductive reasoning you might say to yourself “well if the movie was actually super interesting, then they would have advertised something plot related to the cover of the movie instead of advertising Marilyn. Also, if the movie was good, this fabulous critic would probably have remembered something significant other than the fact that Marilyn was a major let down.” To that I would say “great job reader. You win”

There is nothing worth watching in this film. Especially not Marilyn. Sorry, Eve. It’s not about you.

Popcorn rating: 1 kernel for poor Eve

Truly yours
PFP